Seattle Metro Woman

Self Help

Each of us has a 'relationship' with food. This 'relationship' is one of your oldest and longest relationships. It is longer than your marriage, any past boy or girl friends, and many family relationships. In fact, you have been in this relationship since the very beginning of your life - since even before you had words.

Food is necessary for physical survival. Yet, our relationship with food is not only based on our physical need for food, but it is also based on how we have learned to use food to regulate our emotional feelings.

From the very beginning, food, nourishment and oral stimulation have been a part of the human experience. Yes, we need food to survive, but we also use food to celebrate, to cope, to fit in, to distract, to calm ourselves down, focus, please others, reward ourselves, avoid conflict.....the list can go on and on.

Early on, we begin to associate food with feeling good: the ice cream cone after the winning game; the cookies and milk after a long hard day at school; special foods for when the babysitter comes over; favorite foods at holidays and birthdays.

Over time, some of us begin to rely on food to regulate our feelings. For example: perhaps you see an old friend on the street. You catch up and she mentions she is moving to a new job, a promotion. She is very happy. You're happy for her too, but later that evening you find yourself munching through a large bag of candy, not even aware of your behavior until you are half way finished with the bag. Or, perhaps you have a huge deadline coming up and you are beginning to feel scared you may not be able to complete your work on time. Not long after, you are in the kitchen whipping up a batch of your favorite 'comfort food' that will help you focus and complete your project.

These are only a few of thousands of reasons people find themselves eating, often not the healthiest of foods, not because of hunger and the need to nourish the body, but because of emotions, feelings.

From our earliest moments humans soothe themselves by putting things in their mouths. Newborn babies are offered the breast, a bottle, sometimes even a finger to suck on when they need to be comforted. And, this is as it should be.

But, over time, some of us become confused and unsure about how to distinguish the difference between physical hunger and emotional needs. We may have forgotten how to take care of those emotional needs in more (non food) appropriate ways. Perhaps we never really learned. We may even have developed cognitive, physical, emotional, behavioral and even spiritual patterns which actually keep us 'locked into" unhealthy nutrition patterns that are strengthened with repetition. How many times have you or someone you know tried to take care of a case of 'butterflies in the stomach' by having a bite to eat?

For some, these patterns can lead to more and more uncomfortable feelings to manage: shame, anger, despair, depression, anxiety. Some may wage war with food – using control of food and intake as their way to manage their feelings. Some punish the body, pushing it to extreme fitness levels to burn off calories. Many develop an addictive relationship with food and eating, often becoming preoccupied with thoughts of food and consumption, distracting them from daily responsibilities and affecting relationships with work, friends and family. Our relationships with food cause chemical changes and patterns in the body and brain. The cycle has been set in motion. We begin to feel helpless in our relationship.

You are not helpless. No matter how you feel, you can learn to increase your awareness of the food and emotional patterns you have developed and make positive healthy changes. You can feel better and you can make improvements in your health.

Where to start?

Everyone is unique and different. What works for one may not be the best starting place for another. But, look over the list below and make a decision to begin to change your relationship with food for the sake of becoming a happier and healthier person. Make the commitment to love yourself – to really take care of yourself. It will fall into place after that.

1. Learn and practice some form of mindfulness. No matter what has happened in the past, what will help you the most now is staying in the present with clear goals (ie. 'to be healthy and happy').

2. Develop a way to check in with your body when you are thinking about eating. Ask the question: am I really hungry, physically hungry? That may mean posting a big sign in your fridge or in your pantry. Get creative. Interrupt the behavior and give yourself time to think.

3. If you do number two and you are not physically hungry, check in with your feelings. What are you feeling right now? Lonely? Bored? Sad? Anxious or worried?

4. When you identify the feeling, walk away from the food and choose a behavior that would deal with the feelings without food. This may be hard to do in the moment but here is an idea: start making a list (when you are not either physically or emotionally hungry) of things you like to do when you are bored, sad, etc. If you have a hard time coming up with ideas, think about what a young child would say. Ask, "what do you like to do when you are bored?" to a classroom of 6 year olds and I bet you would get some fun answers.

5. Keep a food diary. There are many versions available in books and on-line. This helps us to see the actual relationship between food, events, feelings and choice of food and portions size right away. It can be very illuminating and help us to clear out any denial we may be holding on to.

6. Educate yourself nutritionally. Make sure you understand the differences between protein, fats, and carbohydrates. What is a good calorie intake for you and your activity level? How much water and fiber is healthy? What are the pros and cons of processed vs non-processed foods? Organic vs non-organic?

7. Consider a consult with a health care professional to rule out that there are no underlying medical issues that might be affecting your appetite and metabolism.

8. Consider a consult with a nutrition specialist as well. They can help a lot with number 6.

9. Examine and nurture yourself spiritually. Learn to meditate – there are many types. Spend time outdoors in natural settings. Explore your spiritual path, your purpose, your connection to the larger world.

10. Exercise. Walk, do yoga, work out. Start small and build up to a level and activities that you enjoy.

11. Stay hydrated. Drink plenty of water throughout the day. When you are feeling the desire to eat, check to see if you are simply thirsty.

12. Enlarge your support network. Research shows over and over that those who have a healthy support system (that they are willing to use) are more likely to make healthy behavior changes and maintain those behaviors over a long time. What is healthy support? People and groups who share your values, beliefs and desires about the changes you want to make. People who allow you to be yourself and don't ridicule or shame. You may want to consider ongoing support groups which may be available in your area.

13. Sleep. More and more studies are reminding us that the old '7 to 8 hours a night' guideline is still sound advise. Disrupted cortisol levels (which are related to not enough sleep) can cause you to crave fat and make you feel hungry and unsatisfied with meals.

14. Manage your stress, manage your stress and manage your stress. Stress affects sleep, work, emotions, mental alertness – everything. Just because we live in a world full of stress doesn't mean you have to accept it. Learn what it is, how to identify it and manage those stressors that affect you so that your health is not effected.

15. Stay busy. Keeping our focus off of ourselves can sometimes be just the right approach. Sometimes the feelings telling you to eat will disappear with activity.

16. Learn to feel your feelings. If you need help, seek professional assistance. Feelings pent up and refused or rejected will simply find another way to be expressed. If you are reading this article, it is likely that some of your unexpressed feelings are manifested through food.

17. Forgive yourself and let yourself off the hook. Keep your focus on the goal: to love your self and be happier and healthier. There is no one right way to live and be. As you begin to make these changes you are going to have successes and also failures. Some of the patterns you are attempting to change have been with you for a very long time and they will resist going away. Patience and pacing are key.

18. Know when to ask for help. Perhaps you will want to consider working with a therapist or coach so that you can go deeper to unlock some of your patterns and behaviors. Changing old patterns is hard work and takes time and diligence. Depending on which areas you want to focus on (releasing pent up feelings, learning to discriminate hunger from emotions, learning to tolerate feelings, educating yourself about nutrition, etc.) find a person who has experience and will listen to you and answer your questions.

Lastly, no matter how you are feeling, what successes or lapses you may have had, always return to your desire to improve, your desire to feel better and love your self. Focus on your inner strength, deep within. Trust your inner knowing. It's there. The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself and when you tend and nurture that relationship, all the other relationships you currently have will improve and change for the better as well.

Here are some resources you may find helpful.

The Food and Feelings Workbook, K. Koenig, 2007

Anything by Geneen Roth. Her latest, Women, Food and God, is very good. It was just released a few months ago.

www.amIhungry.com For those of you who like on-line courses and support this is a good program.

Written and submitted by:

Barbara Barnes, RN, LMHC, Advanced Certified Hypnotherapist and Reiki Master

Phone: 425-483-8463

Website: www.lotushearttherapy.com

Barbara is a therapist and Reiki Master in private practice in Bothell, WA. If you are interested in working with her or attending future group programs or trainings, please contact her via phone or e-mail listed above. There is a new 6-week group starting mid-September focusing on Healing Your Relationship with Food.